dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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