he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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