Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
