Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
