pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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