i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
