remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
