Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
