OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
