this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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