if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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