just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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