There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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