The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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