I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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