Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
