I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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