She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
