Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
