I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
