craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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