I'm so fucking centered right now
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ttyl tear gas
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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