They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize