2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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