And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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