Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
