I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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