You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
