why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
