We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
