I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
