MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
