I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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