God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
