I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I could make wine with my vomit
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
