Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
