Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Randomize
