They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
