My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
