You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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