you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
