I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
