Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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