My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
