Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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