Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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