Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
