if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
