just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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