If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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