I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it hurts more in the daytime
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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