i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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