It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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