You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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