Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
