Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
