Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
