One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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