Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize