Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
