Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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