i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
