I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
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