bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize