I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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