Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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